> I AM TERRIBLY ALIVE
Every morning, the same thing happens to me. No matter how hard I try to avoid it, I always have romantic fantasies as soon as I open my eyes. I let myself live in them for glimmers of the morning. I set an alarm for five more minutes so that I can dream about them. These are the only times I ever feel palpably loved. I so pathetically want to be loved. I will do this for hours, swinging from domestic fantasy to fantasy in my mind until some obligation for the day gets me to move. It is actually very debilitating. I will "wake up" initially at 6AM, and I will toil in my bed like this until 4PM some days. I can usually stop myself before it gets that severe these days, but there was a time...
Today, I am proud of myself. I took some initiative. I set my alarm for 6AM initially, and then sunk into the pattern described above. I felt gross. My hair was heavy with skin and grease. My pillows smelled stale. I felt the air of my filthy room pressing into me. Still a little sick, with a headache rattling between my ears. [SECTION REDACTED] I reminded myself of this when I was having these waking-dreams I put myself through. I got up for therapy at around 7AM and threw myself out the door and into my car.
On the way to my therapist, I realized I forgot my phone. It was really nice. I listened to the Viagra Boys CD I bought. I would instinctively reach for it pretty often, but I think I should leave home without it more often. However, because I didn't have it, I couldn't check my emails and remind myself that I actually didn't have therapy today. Yikes. It was okay though, I was just happy to be up early.
I went home, took a shower, and threw my laundry in the wash. I felt so might lighter. I needed that. I deserve a clean space. I deserve to be clean. I went to class. I went to Blain's Farm and Fleet (where they do not sell anything for women...) I went to the gym after. I took a nap. I had a normal, functional day. I'm going to spend a good chunk of the night cleaning my room. When my sheets are dry, I will crawl into a clean bed and fight the urges off tomorrow, stronger for it.